Relationships in a Time of War

As Margaret and I start to revise the script and interview some of the women we've talked to, I'm struck by how much relationships change. As husbands and boyfriends come back from the war, it seems like many relationships can't withstand the strain. It seems to be one of the recurring issues.

I know that's how many long distance relationships are. When I was far apart from my now husband, we'd be uncertain that we could both grow and change and then come back together and have a similar relationship to the one we had. But we had the benefit of communication. And I had no worries that he might be wounded or killed. I guess I wonder if there becomes a point when separate experiences can no longer be bridged. You may want to share everything that you can with your partner, but can war experiences really be shared? And can they really be understood?

80-20 rule

A couple weeks ago I interviewed a fiftysomething professional about her activism against the war in Iraq. We ordered dinner, and she was just so personable and down-to-earth that I ended up talking with her as I would a close friend. I was explaining the frustration I felt at my former job that led me to leave when she said, "Well, you know about the 80-20 rule, right?" I thought, "Huh?" and then- lightbulb!- "Oh- 20% of the people do the work for the other 80%?" I flashed back to a New Yorker cartoon I'd cut out that showed a rower hard at work, supporting ten others who faced him, yelling into megaphones.

I have always felt, even before she articulated it, that 20% of the people actually care enough to do something about an issue, while 80% lay around like housecats. I cynically know that I'm in the minority, because I believe that the only way to show you want something to change is by actively working towards that change. If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem. Sure. Judgmental. But as far as I can tell, true.

Last week I met a comedian who recently toured Iraq performing for the troops. When he introduced himself I told him I'd just worked on a play about women's experiences related to the war. He was polite, but seemingly unimpressed. We talked briefly, but I felt like he could see straight through my chest to my big bleeding heart -- after all, what other angle would a "women's" play take? I tried to demonstrate my moderate level of knowledge about the war and the military by asking where he'd been, through what organization, and, when he told me he used to be in the service, asking what branch, but then our conversation was cut short.

Part of me felt like some weird wartime starf*cker. Now that the war has become so unpopular and divisive, anyone who wants to talk about it must be looking for another opportunity to say "I told you so", right? Well, I wanted to tell him, because I can't tell them, that they are good people. "Thank you!" I wanted to say. They are, for the most part, regular people actively contributing to something they believe in- taking an active role, like the anti-war activist does, or like the military Mom, supporting her sons. They are the 20%.

Still, it doesn't feel right. I know this 80-20 rule is not a fair representation of how people exist. Some of those 80 percent are wholly invested in raising their children, or caring for their parents, staying sober, staying sane, staying fed. There isn't time for letter-writing or care packages. But as long as I can be a part of the 20, I know that I should. It's a luxury I can't take for granted. For that freedom, among many others, I am grateful.